Rejecting Fear-Based Advice: A Realistic Perspective on Pregnancy for Working Mothers.

By: Jennifer W. (mommagram@live.com)

After perusing the pregnancy chat boards on the internet during my first trimester, I found them, in large part, to be a forum that thrived on fear and discouragement. Had I considered my baby could be born with a tail? No, I hadn’t. At least, until I read the comment boards. Was I concerned that I might never lose my pregnancy weight after the baby was born? No, I wasn’t. But, it seemed to be a never-ending topic in the comments section.

And, possibly the most irritating, was the overarching expectation that I should feel absolutely sick and miserable during my first trimester. Aside from a little fatigue, I felt just fine.

I began to think something was wrong with me because I felt healthy and had nothing to complain about when it came down to my pregnancy.

When my doctor asked me how I was feeling during a prenatal visit, I commented, “I feel absolutely fine. Is there something wrong?” I meant that question in the most genuine way. After reading all of the posts about how I should feel like I was on my death bed, I began to ponder terrible things, such as, “Was the baby still alive inside me?” as a result of feeling healthy.

Let me be clear – I understand there are women who sincerely feel terrible during their pregnancy. They are sick to their stomach and look like they could use a long day of rest that they never seem to get. I have seen these women at work, without much complaint, unless you ask them how they are feeling. These women are storm troopers and I can’t imagine how they made it through nine months of feeling sick at their desk day after day.

However, there is the other side of the coin that I feel is underrepresented in the pregnancy topic forums – the healthy, active, working pregnant woman. In response to my question posed to my doctor, he responded, “It is perfectly normal to feel fine, most women do.” And, when I received my first ultrasound, I saw a vision that I hadn’t even considered - a healthy, active baby, swirling around without a care in the world.

It led me to wonder – “Has the stereotype of the sick, hormonal pregnant woman led some women to believe, or even begin to feel, that this is what it means to be pregnant?” This was the one-dimensional view presented to me in every topic forum I read, and quite simply, it in no way mirrored my pregnancy experience.

Personally, I think there is an alternate portrait of what it means to be pregnant for those who are fortunate enough to feel healthy during their pregnancy. It means going to your job and working even harder to save for the baby’s arrival. It means celebrating that you are lucky enough to have been able to conceive a baby in the first place. And, it means being a strong woman about it – don’t whine like a child. You are about to be a mother, no one should have to mother you. You have been raised.

And finally, in my view, there is the problem of the “message boards” and pregnancy books giving you limitless advice on what you should and shouldn’t do during and after the pregnancy. Yes, there are basic rules – don’t do something that is obviously going to harm your baby. However, I’d like to add another rule for expectant and new moms – “Don’t feel like you have to accept every idea as valid just because someone wrote it down.”

Pregnancy and parenting involve plenty of personal choices. And, in the end, my choice was to throw out the pregnancy books that only served to terrify me of all the negative possibilities that could happen or served to make me feel like I had to meet some impossible standard that undermined my confidence as an expectant mother.

I also tossed the child magazines, with articles written in large part from former working moms, that made me feel like I couldn’t be a good mom and have a career. Yes, it seems my child would be happy if I stayed at home, had a nanny and made a dozen cupcakes before noon every weekday. But, that isn’t my reality and I feel my child will be just as happy with a mom who teaches them the value of hard work, education and achieving your personal goals in this world.

Today, I listen to a few good resources - Myself, my doctor, my body and other working moms when it comes down to “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Because, in the final equation, I have a right to reject the ideas that I don’t find valuable, feasible or productive when it comes down to how to carry and raise a child. In my view, this is fundamental to being a good parent. Because, just as every mom is an individual, so is every child - not every idea works for everyone. It is critical to know who you are and what you are willing to accept as a mom-to-be, and later, as a parent. It is part of being a good mother.